There is a situation that creates a quandary in many people's minds: what do we do when a parent begins to publicly abuse his child? Even authorities can freeze, not knowing where the line is with parental punishment. I was in McDonalds enjoying a burger and coffee after school with my then 6 year old son.
A very angry looking man, with a very quiet, unhappy looking wife, sat across from each other in a booth. A boy of about two sat in a high chair, between mom and dad, and an infant of several months lay on the bench beside dad, apparently asleep. The two year old began to fuss and the dad shouted angrily at him. Dad them grabbed the boy's arm and squeezed it, while telling him to shut up. Mom remained motionless, as did the infant.
The restaurant went quiet. All the diners quietly looked around to see what anyone was thinking. A security guard stood at the counter, looking around, wondering what should be done. Dad was totally focused on the two year old. He grabbed the kid by the ribcage and lifted him from the high chair, and began to squeeze him while telling him to shut up. I slid out of my booth and
headed over to kneel at his side. I had no idea what I would say. I didn't want to chastise him, embarrass or shout at him, and most of all, I didn't want him to be madder at the little boy, and take it out on him after I was gone.
I spoke softly, "You're pretty mad at your boy."
"Yeah. He sometimes get's pretty full of himself. I got to take that out of him. I don't need him thinkin' he's puttin' anything over on me. You gotta straighten'em out or they can stay fulla themselves."
I noticed that the wife showed no emotion at all. I saw, too, that the infant was not asleep. He was laying there, eyes open, looking at the ceiling, motionless. Close up, this was kind of a scary family. They didn't look happy at all.
I said, "My mom was pretty severe, disciplining me. She hit me a lot."
Dad said, "My Dad used to hit me with a belt and switches and things, but only when I needed it. I was a pretty ornery kid, I needed it pretty often. But you can't let kids get away with stuff."
My son came over from our booth, put his arm around my neck and leaned against me, to be a part of the conversation. I put my arm around him. I was glad to have the moral support.
The restaurant had resumed its normal hubbub, and we were no longer the focus of attention. I told the Dad that I continued my mother's harshness on my two stepsons, I hit them a lot trying to get them to toe the line. I had thought there might be a way I could say the rules only once and they'd remember them. When my own son came along, I was afraid I was doing too much hitting. My wife and I went to some Tough Love meetings, and they were helpful. I told the Dad that I've been very different after learning some things I didn't know about how to get kids to go along with the program. Somehow, I've never hit my son (standing beside me.) There are some real helpful people that can help you be happier with your kids. They taught me some kind of "tools" that keep me from getting so mad, and the kids actually listen to me. I told the Dad about that hotline 441-KIDS that has someone there all the time to help cool off, and get better results with less upset in the house.
I talked to the couple about a half hour. Dad looked calmer, maybe even a little hopeful. I wrote down the phone number of the "Talkline," and the names of a couple of resources that would be free and helpful. I felt good that I had derailed the angry punishing dad, and the family went about eating their meal with no further incident. I believe I managed to give him a resource without shaming him, I got to intervene in a violent situation in front of my son, who even came over and quietly supported me as I talked. No one in the restaurant had to watch more upsetting stuff while sitting with their families. In my fantasy, the Dad called the 441 Kids line and got hooked up with a volunteer or a counselor for moral support in parenting. I was safe. I came away having contributed.
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